Thoughts on beauty...

This last little while has been a new adventure for me. I have been learning a lot about myself and about life in general. My testimony has grown so much and I know that this Church is true. I know that God really is in our lives and leads and guides us. He really knows what we need and when we need it. He knew that I needed a lesson and has given it to me.

I am going to share a very personal part of my journal, but a part that I feel I want to share because I think that what I have been feeling is something that is pretty common to women. I have changed the names and cut out a little bit of it. I want to give some background first. I went on a fun activity for the ward yesterday. It was called, "Come once, date thrice." The idea was that each person would go on three dates. The first boy would pick the girl up and eat appetizers together, the second would eat the main course and the third would have dessert and take the girl home. Well, I was excited but nervous. All of my dates were so cute and guys that I would normally consider out of my league. There was one in particular that I am now crushing on. I am not going to share which one here on my blog just in case, but that is an important part of the story. So here is my journal entry...

Oh, sorry, one more thing. Please don't read this and then post things telling me I am not ugly or something like that. That is not the intent of sharing this. Rather I share this as a way of expressing what I have been feeling and what I think is a too common plight for women. My hope is that it may help someone else who has felt this way.

I have been realizing lately that I have a distorted image of myself and how I look. I have always thought of myself as not only not pretty, but downright ugly. I am not totally sure where this came from, but I know that one thing that contributed to this is a comment made by a student while I was in middle school. I had another student once tell me that I was ugly and I still remember that vividly. That comment has stuck with me and is one of the reasons that I do not like it when kids joke like that.

Anyway, last night’s date with ____ has made me start thinking. He is so cute! Not just because of his personality, but he is downright handsome. Well, I had always crossed handsome guys off my list right away thinking that there was no way they would ever be interested in me, afterall they wanted someone who was beautiful not ugly. That is how I viewed myself. My date with ____ has started to make me rethink that idea. Maybe I am not ugly.
I have had people tell me I am pretty or even beautiful at times, people like my family and good friends or ex-boyfriend, but I always just discounted what they said because I know that they know me and are just comparing how I look to how I normally look and think that I look beautiful in comparison to how I usually look. I can’t believe I have been thinking this way all my life! Wow! I am just realizing now how deep this whole thing runs. I have never considered myself pretty. There have been times when I have looked at myself in the mirror and thought, hum I don’t look bad today at all, but those times are few and far between.

I think a lot of other problems stem from this problem. The more I think about it, the more I can see how this view of myself has crippled me and affected my life in ways I didn’t even realize. It has stopped me from trying to be friends with people and has made me self conscious in ways I should not be. I also think that it is a big part of the reason I don’t work out or take care of myself in ways that I should like eating right and wearing eye makeup. I think I haven’t thought I was worth it or that I was pretty enough to take the time to do those things. Wow. What a realization. Maybe I am pretty enough for someone like ____. Maybe I don’t have to just be pretty in comparison to what I normally look like, but rather just be pretty. I have never felt like this before. Maybe I am pretty enough for a cute boy.

Wow, this belief really does stretch so far. When looking for guys that I might like I always subconsciously cross off those that are handsome and look for a guy that is not. I always think, hum, he is not too cute, maybe he could go for me. What a horrible thing to do in many ways. That is horrible to think of guys like that and also horrible to think of myself like that. I also judge people so much based on their looks. If a girl is pretty I automatically assume that she is going to be a certain type of person. I usually automatically discount any girl that is too pretty as someone who is most likely fake and someone I couldn’t be friends with. How unfair is that? (Not to say that I don’t have friends who are beautiful because I have some drop dead gorgeous friends, but that is usually my initial reaction).

Wow, I sure need to do some changing in how I think. I am worth working out. I am worth wearing make up. I am worth eating healthy for. I am pretty enough for a guy like ___. (Maybe I should start doing self affirmations in the mirror :) Seriously though, I hate that I have let myself get this far in my views of myself. It is time to change that! It is time to stop letting my insecurities control my life. It is time to stop letting the way I view myself stop me from enjoying life. Most importantly it is time to stop viewing myself in a negative way! I am a daughter of God after all!