Phoenix on Monday, NYC on Tuesday and Wednesday, DC on Thursday and Friday morning and then back to Phoenix, then this Sunday back to NYC for our field trip... What a whirlwind!
I had one interview in NYC and two in DC. All three went well and there is potential that all three could offer me a job. NYC already has, but I asked if I could wait until I have heard from the other two before accepting or declining their offer. Both DC places promised to let me know by this coming Friday, which is also when I promised to let them know, so... in less than I week I have to make one of the biggest decisions of my life. I am so nervous. I want to make the right decision.
Add on top of the stress of making decision the fact that I will be on a field trip with my College Bound Club. I have to make my decision while on a field trip. Field trips don't lend themselves to a lot of reflective time :) I know that the Lord will guide me though. He will help me know and knows that I have to make the decision during such a crazy time.
Every once in a while I get into stress out mode and start to question everything, but the Lord usually comes along before I get too flipped out and calms me down. I am so grateful for that!
Well, speaking of stressing out... I gotta go finish getting everything ready for our field trip!
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Saturday, May 23, 2009
New York, DC, Utah oh my!
So, it has been months since I last posted, but a lot has happened, so I thought it was about time I wrote.
So, about three weeks ago, I went to NYC to purly to prepare for the field trip that I am taking my junior high club on next week and came home thinking that I wanted to move there. I have wanted to move there for a while, but when I had the chance three years ago, it didn't feel right. So, I came home, prayed a ton and got my answer. NYC it is.
My life has been absolute chaos since... I had to apply for teaching jobs there, do phone interviews, tell my principal, prepare for the end of the school year, move out of my classroom, prepare for my field trip in a week and so many other things... what a crazy few weeks.
So, I do not have a job in NYC yet, but know that since it is right, something will work out. I have an in-person interview next week at a great school there, an in-person interview in DC (mostly for summer school, but also to keep my options open, I gotta have a job) and two more phone interviews for next week. I am praying that at least one will pan out. I am hoping for the one at Achievement First (the in-person in NYC next week).
I know all of this is crazy, but I know it is right and one way or another everything will work out. I just need to get a job, sell my car and find two more roommates to rent my house... Know anyone who needs a car or a place to live in Gilbert? :)
So, about three weeks ago, I went to NYC to purly to prepare for the field trip that I am taking my junior high club on next week and came home thinking that I wanted to move there. I have wanted to move there for a while, but when I had the chance three years ago, it didn't feel right. So, I came home, prayed a ton and got my answer. NYC it is.
My life has been absolute chaos since... I had to apply for teaching jobs there, do phone interviews, tell my principal, prepare for the end of the school year, move out of my classroom, prepare for my field trip in a week and so many other things... what a crazy few weeks.
So, I do not have a job in NYC yet, but know that since it is right, something will work out. I have an in-person interview next week at a great school there, an in-person interview in DC (mostly for summer school, but also to keep my options open, I gotta have a job) and two more phone interviews for next week. I am praying that at least one will pan out. I am hoping for the one at Achievement First (the in-person in NYC next week).
I know all of this is crazy, but I know it is right and one way or another everything will work out. I just need to get a job, sell my car and find two more roommates to rent my house... Know anyone who needs a car or a place to live in Gilbert? :)
Sunday, February 1, 2009
It has been a while...
I have not blogged for a while, so I thought it was about time to blog again. Life has been full of discovery lately. I have been working to learn more about myself and it has been an interesting journey.
One thing I have realized is that I think I want to be a school librarian. I think that would be such a fun job. I would get to spend the entire day teaching kids to love reading. How cool! Plus I would be ale to do a college unit with the whole school. The only problem is that I want to stay at my school and I don't think our librarian is going anywhere anytime soon. So, if you have any ideas for how to nicely get a librarian moved to another school (in a way that she will be happy about), let me know :)
I have also been learning a lot about money. It is amazing how owning a home will teach a person about how to properly handle money. I am grateful for the learning experience and especially grateful for a job at this crazy economic time.
One thing I have realized is that I think I want to be a school librarian. I think that would be such a fun job. I would get to spend the entire day teaching kids to love reading. How cool! Plus I would be ale to do a college unit with the whole school. The only problem is that I want to stay at my school and I don't think our librarian is going anywhere anytime soon. So, if you have any ideas for how to nicely get a librarian moved to another school (in a way that she will be happy about), let me know :)
I have also been learning a lot about money. It is amazing how owning a home will teach a person about how to properly handle money. I am grateful for the learning experience and especially grateful for a job at this crazy economic time.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I have a lot to learn (I know I am breaking from the whole "thoughts on" theme, but hey, you have to be wild and crazy sometimes)
So, today I was upset with one of my students because she wasn't listening and when she continued to not listen she stormed off to the "talk it out" corner (which incidently I had told her she could do if she was upset). I was feeling very frustrated and upset. I went over to talk to her and became more frustrated. I then went back to the table she had come from to find something that would humble me.
The very kids who she had been unkind to were concerned about her. They were asking me if they could go over and comfort this little girl. They also wanted to know if they could write her cards to help her feel better. My jaw dropped and I just about cried right then and there. I couldn't believe how amazing these kids are!
I told them I had to think about it for a second because I knew I needed to talk to the student first. So, I tried to take a cue from my childlike kids and look at things from the student's perspective. She has been having a rough time lately with some family situations so I knew I needed to be a little more understanding, but also knew I couldn't allow her to talk to the other students the way she had.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I talked to her and we worked some things out. We now have a signal for when she is feeling upset and the kids continued to be so kind. This student said she wanted to be alone for a minute so the kids who wanted to comfort her didn't go over, but I sure was taught something.
The more I teach, the more I realize that I am the one being taught. I have so much to learn from these wonderful kids. I am beginning to understand what the scriptures mean by saying that we need to become as little children. My students humbled me with their kindness and showed me how to love. I hope someday I can be as great as they already are.
My friend Jana posted this on her blog. I hope she doesn't mind if I borrow. It is very fitting with what happened today.
"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."
-Marvin J. Ashton
The very kids who she had been unkind to were concerned about her. They were asking me if they could go over and comfort this little girl. They also wanted to know if they could write her cards to help her feel better. My jaw dropped and I just about cried right then and there. I couldn't believe how amazing these kids are!
I told them I had to think about it for a second because I knew I needed to talk to the student first. So, I tried to take a cue from my childlike kids and look at things from the student's perspective. She has been having a rough time lately with some family situations so I knew I needed to be a little more understanding, but also knew I couldn't allow her to talk to the other students the way she had.
Anyway, to make a long story short, I talked to her and we worked some things out. We now have a signal for when she is feeling upset and the kids continued to be so kind. This student said she wanted to be alone for a minute so the kids who wanted to comfort her didn't go over, but I sure was taught something.
The more I teach, the more I realize that I am the one being taught. I have so much to learn from these wonderful kids. I am beginning to understand what the scriptures mean by saying that we need to become as little children. My students humbled me with their kindness and showed me how to love. I hope someday I can be as great as they already are.
My friend Jana posted this on her blog. I hope she doesn't mind if I borrow. It is very fitting with what happened today.
"Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don't judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone's differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or the impulse to become offended when someone doesn't handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another's weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other."
-Marvin J. Ashton
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Thoughts on friendship...
So, this morning I woke up earlier than I needed to and started to think... What a crazy thing huh? It seems that I have filled my life up with so much stuff that I don't even have time to really think.
I thought about my life. I thought about who I am and how I got to where I am. I thought about the good friends I have had throughout my life and how they have shaped who I am. I thought about my friends from when I was a kid in Salt Lake and how great they were. Then I thought about my friends in St. George. Boy was I blessed. That was a fun time filled with good people that I am blessed to still be in contact with for the most part.
Then came college, which my freshman year at least, was pretty much the same people as high school. I had some great roomies and two great best friends (shout out to Howie and Dan). What good times. I don't know if I could have made it through that difficult time without you all.
Then came Foxwood with Amy! What good days too. Just some memories: 9-11, ward prayer in the quad, Simpsons vs. Friends, picture windows, notes written on mirrors, boys, boys, boys (mostly just being talked about, not dated), dates from the opening of the door (not me), rugby and bruises (again not me), the Down Under boys, the Fins, crushes galore (me)... oh I could go on for a long time...
Inbetween mission and Foxwood was my time with Lacie which I would not replace for anything. I loved that time and learned a ton from her. American Idol will forever be associated with my memories of that time. Thanks!
The mission was next with lots of awesome companions that I learned so much from and continue to learn from. Before my mission I had not thought about the friendships I would make with members, but they became some of my dearest friends. Sister Lu/my hero, all my new members, Shu Ling, great investigators, and many more.
Post mish it was living with Amy and Vaughn (somehow they are still my friends ;) and then Rupper. Ah the good old days of Rupper with moldy ceilings in the bathroom, no dishwasher and eternal dirt, the kind that doesn't come off no matter how hard you try. There were also great friends to be made. All the roomies were great, but Meagan and I clicked the most. I learned so much from her. What a great friend.
My sis and her family were the next to affect my life. I loved living with them and cherish the bond that time created with Tami, Steve and Ainsley. What a great blessing! I wouldn't trade that time for anything.
Then on to Phoenix with three roommates and lots of self discovery through teaching. So many students have touched my life and taught me so much! What a joy and blessing they are to me. All the U3'ers too are so great and have touched my life. A big part of Phoenix is my brother and his family and my dad. I am so grateful to have them all near and to be able to get to know them better.
Phoenix would be far from complete without mentioning those who have been my best friends since I arrived, my wonderful co-workers. What would I do without them? Thank you Mallorie, Celina, Sam and Jac.
There are also my wonderful TFA friends who made the U of P actually a fun experience. Thanks.
So, if you made it this far, I want to thank you! Thank you for being my friend! Thank you for shaping my life! Thank you for standing by me even when I haven't always been there for you. Thank you for teaching me about what it means to be a friend. Thank you for your kindness. I don't know where I would be without you. I love you all. If you ever need anything, no matter when or what, please let me know what I can do. I will always be there for you if you ever need to talk. Thank you so much!
I cannot end without thanking the People who have been there for me my entire life, my family and My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are the truest and best friends ever.
P.S. After reading through this my mind began flashing to all the people I missed. All the people who have been my friends through work, school, and church. If I didn't mention you, but you are reading this, know that I thought about you and you have touched my life. I am so lucky! I feel like I could go on forever thanking all my friends. I have been given so much and am so blessed!
I thought about my life. I thought about who I am and how I got to where I am. I thought about the good friends I have had throughout my life and how they have shaped who I am. I thought about my friends from when I was a kid in Salt Lake and how great they were. Then I thought about my friends in St. George. Boy was I blessed. That was a fun time filled with good people that I am blessed to still be in contact with for the most part.
Then came college, which my freshman year at least, was pretty much the same people as high school. I had some great roomies and two great best friends (shout out to Howie and Dan). What good times. I don't know if I could have made it through that difficult time without you all.
Then came Foxwood with Amy! What good days too. Just some memories: 9-11, ward prayer in the quad, Simpsons vs. Friends, picture windows, notes written on mirrors, boys, boys, boys (mostly just being talked about, not dated), dates from the opening of the door (not me), rugby and bruises (again not me), the Down Under boys, the Fins, crushes galore (me)... oh I could go on for a long time...
Inbetween mission and Foxwood was my time with Lacie which I would not replace for anything. I loved that time and learned a ton from her. American Idol will forever be associated with my memories of that time. Thanks!
The mission was next with lots of awesome companions that I learned so much from and continue to learn from. Before my mission I had not thought about the friendships I would make with members, but they became some of my dearest friends. Sister Lu/my hero, all my new members, Shu Ling, great investigators, and many more.
Post mish it was living with Amy and Vaughn (somehow they are still my friends ;) and then Rupper. Ah the good old days of Rupper with moldy ceilings in the bathroom, no dishwasher and eternal dirt, the kind that doesn't come off no matter how hard you try. There were also great friends to be made. All the roomies were great, but Meagan and I clicked the most. I learned so much from her. What a great friend.
My sis and her family were the next to affect my life. I loved living with them and cherish the bond that time created with Tami, Steve and Ainsley. What a great blessing! I wouldn't trade that time for anything.
Then on to Phoenix with three roommates and lots of self discovery through teaching. So many students have touched my life and taught me so much! What a joy and blessing they are to me. All the U3'ers too are so great and have touched my life. A big part of Phoenix is my brother and his family and my dad. I am so grateful to have them all near and to be able to get to know them better.
Phoenix would be far from complete without mentioning those who have been my best friends since I arrived, my wonderful co-workers. What would I do without them? Thank you Mallorie, Celina, Sam and Jac.
There are also my wonderful TFA friends who made the U of P actually a fun experience. Thanks.
So, if you made it this far, I want to thank you! Thank you for being my friend! Thank you for shaping my life! Thank you for standing by me even when I haven't always been there for you. Thank you for teaching me about what it means to be a friend. Thank you for your kindness. I don't know where I would be without you. I love you all. If you ever need anything, no matter when or what, please let me know what I can do. I will always be there for you if you ever need to talk. Thank you so much!
I cannot end without thanking the People who have been there for me my entire life, my family and My Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. They are the truest and best friends ever.
P.S. After reading through this my mind began flashing to all the people I missed. All the people who have been my friends through work, school, and church. If I didn't mention you, but you are reading this, know that I thought about you and you have touched my life. I am so lucky! I feel like I could go on forever thanking all my friends. I have been given so much and am so blessed!
Friday, October 24, 2008
Thoughts on the scariness that is Obama...
Here are some of the reasons I am scared of Obama. Some are much more important than others (#3 really isn't important at all, but kind of annoying :) I would love to know what you all think of what I have to say.
1. I can't criticize Obama without being called a racist. http://voices.kansascity.com/node/2493
Suddenly calling someone a socialist is attacking their skin color. Last I checked socialism has nothing to do with the color of people's skin. Obama is a socialist and no I am not racist.
2. Obama wants to raise taxes on small businesses, which is any business with under 500 people. http://ktar.net/blogs/crummey/
3. You must pay to view Obama's economic plan and a teacher at our school said he charged $4 for a cheapo sign for her to put up in her room. (McCain's sign was free)
4. People are practically praying to him. http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/17152/
5. Although people say his ties to people like Bill Ayers, Acorn, and Reverend Jeremiah Wright are not big deals and he supposedly no longer associates with them, I think they are big deals. I believe they show an incredible lack of judgment for the person who could potentially lead our country. Isn't it also true that those that you associate with in part make up who you are?
6. Biden says that we just need to trust Obama if he is elected and he may be doing something that appears to be wrong but we should just blindly trust him. Scary. Something that is wrong is wrong no matter how you sugar coat it with trust and hope. http://news.aol.com/political-machine/2008/10/20/biden-channels-joe-namath-chicken-little/?icid=200100397x1211839065x1200734593
7. Obama wants us to share the wealth by heavily taxing anyone who makes over $250,000 and deciding how much a company should be able to make with his windfall profits tax.
8. Some people are voting for him purely because he is black. Let me remind you, he is also half white. We should not be voting on a candidate based on his/her skin color, religion, gender, etc. I was discussing this with a coworker who said almost all the middle school students are saying they want to vote for Obama because he is black and it will usher in a new era. What would happen if I said I was voting for McCain because he is white? (just so you know, that is not why I voted for McCain) My teacher friend asked her students the same question and they immediately said she would be racist right after they said they would vote for Obama purely because he is black, hum... ironic isn't it?
9. Obama has been running for president for as long as he has been a senator. Two years as a senator (I don't count his time running for president) is not long enough to be president. He is very arrogant. He has written two memoirs and what has he done to be able to write two memoirs?
10. Obama keeps talking about energy independence, yet he says that we don't need to work towards drilling in our own country because it will take several years until that will make any difference. If we don't ever start, when will we ever have it?
11. He is for Roe vs. Wade.
12. He is THE most liberal senator in the whole senate. http://nj.nationaljournal.com/voteratings/
13. The media is so incredibly liberally biased. Just take SNL for example. On their last several shows they have hardly said anything against Obama, but trashed McCain. SNL "joked" about Palin's husband being involved in incest with his daughters. Since when is it okay to joke about that? Why is it okay to say anything you want about McCain and Palin, but Obama is off limits? Can you imagine if someone said Obama was involved in incest with his daughters? There would have been public outrage! Why is it okay to say that about Palin's husband?
14. Gay marriage. Barack Obama compares gay marriage to the civil rights movement. He condones gay marriage and gay rights in this clip. Scary. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73oZ_pe1MZ8
These are only the top 14 reasons why he scares me. I am sure I could find more if I kept searching. Please feel free to let me know what you think, whether you agree or disagree. The extra scary part is that I don't really love McCain either, but definitely like him better than Obama. I almost want to vote "none of the above" this year, but have already voted for McCain because the alternative is downright frightening.
1. I can't criticize Obama without being called a racist. http://voices.kansascity.com/node/2493
Suddenly calling someone a socialist is attacking their skin color. Last I checked socialism has nothing to do with the color of people's skin. Obama is a socialist and no I am not racist.
2. Obama wants to raise taxes on small businesses, which is any business with under 500 people. http://ktar.net/blogs/crummey/
3. You must pay to view Obama's economic plan and a teacher at our school said he charged $4 for a cheapo sign for her to put up in her room. (McCain's sign was free)
4. People are practically praying to him. http://www.glennbeck.com/content/articles/article/198/17152/
5. Although people say his ties to people like Bill Ayers, Acorn, and Reverend Jeremiah Wright are not big deals and he supposedly no longer associates with them, I think they are big deals. I believe they show an incredible lack of judgment for the person who could potentially lead our country. Isn't it also true that those that you associate with in part make up who you are?
6. Biden says that we just need to trust Obama if he is elected and he may be doing something that appears to be wrong but we should just blindly trust him. Scary. Something that is wrong is wrong no matter how you sugar coat it with trust and hope. http://news.aol.com/political-machine/2008/10/20/biden-channels-joe-namath-chicken-little/?icid=200100397x1211839065x1200734593
7. Obama wants us to share the wealth by heavily taxing anyone who makes over $250,000 and deciding how much a company should be able to make with his windfall profits tax.
8. Some people are voting for him purely because he is black. Let me remind you, he is also half white. We should not be voting on a candidate based on his/her skin color, religion, gender, etc. I was discussing this with a coworker who said almost all the middle school students are saying they want to vote for Obama because he is black and it will usher in a new era. What would happen if I said I was voting for McCain because he is white? (just so you know, that is not why I voted for McCain) My teacher friend asked her students the same question and they immediately said she would be racist right after they said they would vote for Obama purely because he is black, hum... ironic isn't it?
9. Obama has been running for president for as long as he has been a senator. Two years as a senator (I don't count his time running for president) is not long enough to be president. He is very arrogant. He has written two memoirs and what has he done to be able to write two memoirs?
10. Obama keeps talking about energy independence, yet he says that we don't need to work towards drilling in our own country because it will take several years until that will make any difference. If we don't ever start, when will we ever have it?
11. He is for Roe vs. Wade.
12. He is THE most liberal senator in the whole senate. http://nj.nationaljournal.com/voteratings/
13. The media is so incredibly liberally biased. Just take SNL for example. On their last several shows they have hardly said anything against Obama, but trashed McCain. SNL "joked" about Palin's husband being involved in incest with his daughters. Since when is it okay to joke about that? Why is it okay to say anything you want about McCain and Palin, but Obama is off limits? Can you imagine if someone said Obama was involved in incest with his daughters? There would have been public outrage! Why is it okay to say that about Palin's husband?
14. Gay marriage. Barack Obama compares gay marriage to the civil rights movement. He condones gay marriage and gay rights in this clip. Scary. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73oZ_pe1MZ8
These are only the top 14 reasons why he scares me. I am sure I could find more if I kept searching. Please feel free to let me know what you think, whether you agree or disagree. The extra scary part is that I don't really love McCain either, but definitely like him better than Obama. I almost want to vote "none of the above" this year, but have already voted for McCain because the alternative is downright frightening.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Thoughts on beauty...
This last little while has been a new adventure for me. I have been learning a lot about myself and about life in general. My testimony has grown so much and I know that this Church is true. I know that God really is in our lives and leads and guides us. He really knows what we need and when we need it. He knew that I needed a lesson and has given it to me.
I am going to share a very personal part of my journal, but a part that I feel I want to share because I think that what I have been feeling is something that is pretty common to women. I have changed the names and cut out a little bit of it. I want to give some background first. I went on a fun activity for the ward yesterday. It was called, "Come once, date thrice." The idea was that each person would go on three dates. The first boy would pick the girl up and eat appetizers together, the second would eat the main course and the third would have dessert and take the girl home. Well, I was excited but nervous. All of my dates were so cute and guys that I would normally consider out of my league. There was one in particular that I am now crushing on. I am not going to share which one here on my blog just in case, but that is an important part of the story. So here is my journal entry...
Oh, sorry, one more thing. Please don't read this and then post things telling me I am not ugly or something like that. That is not the intent of sharing this. Rather I share this as a way of expressing what I have been feeling and what I think is a too common plight for women. My hope is that it may help someone else who has felt this way.
I have been realizing lately that I have a distorted image of myself and how I look. I have always thought of myself as not only not pretty, but downright ugly. I am not totally sure where this came from, but I know that one thing that contributed to this is a comment made by a student while I was in middle school. I had another student once tell me that I was ugly and I still remember that vividly. That comment has stuck with me and is one of the reasons that I do not like it when kids joke like that.
Anyway, last night’s date with ____ has made me start thinking. He is so cute! Not just because of his personality, but he is downright handsome. Well, I had always crossed handsome guys off my list right away thinking that there was no way they would ever be interested in me, afterall they wanted someone who was beautiful not ugly. That is how I viewed myself. My date with ____ has started to make me rethink that idea. Maybe I am not ugly.
I have had people tell me I am pretty or even beautiful at times, people like my family and good friends or ex-boyfriend, but I always just discounted what they said because I know that they know me and are just comparing how I look to how I normally look and think that I look beautiful in comparison to how I usually look. I can’t believe I have been thinking this way all my life! Wow! I am just realizing now how deep this whole thing runs. I have never considered myself pretty. There have been times when I have looked at myself in the mirror and thought, hum I don’t look bad today at all, but those times are few and far between.
I think a lot of other problems stem from this problem. The more I think about it, the more I can see how this view of myself has crippled me and affected my life in ways I didn’t even realize. It has stopped me from trying to be friends with people and has made me self conscious in ways I should not be. I also think that it is a big part of the reason I don’t work out or take care of myself in ways that I should like eating right and wearing eye makeup. I think I haven’t thought I was worth it or that I was pretty enough to take the time to do those things. Wow. What a realization. Maybe I am pretty enough for someone like ____. Maybe I don’t have to just be pretty in comparison to what I normally look like, but rather just be pretty. I have never felt like this before. Maybe I am pretty enough for a cute boy.
Wow, this belief really does stretch so far. When looking for guys that I might like I always subconsciously cross off those that are handsome and look for a guy that is not. I always think, hum, he is not too cute, maybe he could go for me. What a horrible thing to do in many ways. That is horrible to think of guys like that and also horrible to think of myself like that. I also judge people so much based on their looks. If a girl is pretty I automatically assume that she is going to be a certain type of person. I usually automatically discount any girl that is too pretty as someone who is most likely fake and someone I couldn’t be friends with. How unfair is that? (Not to say that I don’t have friends who are beautiful because I have some drop dead gorgeous friends, but that is usually my initial reaction).
Wow, I sure need to do some changing in how I think. I am worth working out. I am worth wearing make up. I am worth eating healthy for. I am pretty enough for a guy like ___. (Maybe I should start doing self affirmations in the mirror :) Seriously though, I hate that I have let myself get this far in my views of myself. It is time to change that! It is time to stop letting my insecurities control my life. It is time to stop letting the way I view myself stop me from enjoying life. Most importantly it is time to stop viewing myself in a negative way! I am a daughter of God after all!
I am going to share a very personal part of my journal, but a part that I feel I want to share because I think that what I have been feeling is something that is pretty common to women. I have changed the names and cut out a little bit of it. I want to give some background first. I went on a fun activity for the ward yesterday. It was called, "Come once, date thrice." The idea was that each person would go on three dates. The first boy would pick the girl up and eat appetizers together, the second would eat the main course and the third would have dessert and take the girl home. Well, I was excited but nervous. All of my dates were so cute and guys that I would normally consider out of my league. There was one in particular that I am now crushing on. I am not going to share which one here on my blog just in case, but that is an important part of the story. So here is my journal entry...
Oh, sorry, one more thing. Please don't read this and then post things telling me I am not ugly or something like that. That is not the intent of sharing this. Rather I share this as a way of expressing what I have been feeling and what I think is a too common plight for women. My hope is that it may help someone else who has felt this way.
I have been realizing lately that I have a distorted image of myself and how I look. I have always thought of myself as not only not pretty, but downright ugly. I am not totally sure where this came from, but I know that one thing that contributed to this is a comment made by a student while I was in middle school. I had another student once tell me that I was ugly and I still remember that vividly. That comment has stuck with me and is one of the reasons that I do not like it when kids joke like that.
Anyway, last night’s date with ____ has made me start thinking. He is so cute! Not just because of his personality, but he is downright handsome. Well, I had always crossed handsome guys off my list right away thinking that there was no way they would ever be interested in me, afterall they wanted someone who was beautiful not ugly. That is how I viewed myself. My date with ____ has started to make me rethink that idea. Maybe I am not ugly.
I have had people tell me I am pretty or even beautiful at times, people like my family and good friends or ex-boyfriend, but I always just discounted what they said because I know that they know me and are just comparing how I look to how I normally look and think that I look beautiful in comparison to how I usually look. I can’t believe I have been thinking this way all my life! Wow! I am just realizing now how deep this whole thing runs. I have never considered myself pretty. There have been times when I have looked at myself in the mirror and thought, hum I don’t look bad today at all, but those times are few and far between.
I think a lot of other problems stem from this problem. The more I think about it, the more I can see how this view of myself has crippled me and affected my life in ways I didn’t even realize. It has stopped me from trying to be friends with people and has made me self conscious in ways I should not be. I also think that it is a big part of the reason I don’t work out or take care of myself in ways that I should like eating right and wearing eye makeup. I think I haven’t thought I was worth it or that I was pretty enough to take the time to do those things. Wow. What a realization. Maybe I am pretty enough for someone like ____. Maybe I don’t have to just be pretty in comparison to what I normally look like, but rather just be pretty. I have never felt like this before. Maybe I am pretty enough for a cute boy.
Wow, this belief really does stretch so far. When looking for guys that I might like I always subconsciously cross off those that are handsome and look for a guy that is not. I always think, hum, he is not too cute, maybe he could go for me. What a horrible thing to do in many ways. That is horrible to think of guys like that and also horrible to think of myself like that. I also judge people so much based on their looks. If a girl is pretty I automatically assume that she is going to be a certain type of person. I usually automatically discount any girl that is too pretty as someone who is most likely fake and someone I couldn’t be friends with. How unfair is that? (Not to say that I don’t have friends who are beautiful because I have some drop dead gorgeous friends, but that is usually my initial reaction).
Wow, I sure need to do some changing in how I think. I am worth working out. I am worth wearing make up. I am worth eating healthy for. I am pretty enough for a guy like ___. (Maybe I should start doing self affirmations in the mirror :) Seriously though, I hate that I have let myself get this far in my views of myself. It is time to change that! It is time to stop letting my insecurities control my life. It is time to stop letting the way I view myself stop me from enjoying life. Most importantly it is time to stop viewing myself in a negative way! I am a daughter of God after all!
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